T-SQL Anti-Patterns: Query By Agonizing Query (QBAQ)

Row By Agonizing Row (RBAR, pronounced "re-bar") was our last anti-pattern.  Today, I'm going to extend it to a term I'm coining, Query By Agonizing Query (QBAQ, pronounced "cue-back").  According to a quick Google search, nobody has used that term before, so that's my claim to fame. What I mean by QBAQ is the following…

Haircut Accomplished

I'm interrupting my T-SQL anti-patterns series for an important announcement:  I got a haircut.  This is the first haircut in 4 years, so it's a pretty big deal for me.  Somewhere around 16" of hair will be going to Locks of Love; when the stylist cut them off, they looked four bushy like fox tails.…

T-SQL Anti-Patterns: Row By Agonizing Row (RBAR) Queries

The last couple of days, I poked a bit of fun at object-oriented developers who move to a relational platform and try to do things like nesting views or using functions inappropriately (although, to be fair, it's not so much that developers are trying to use functions as that the way Microsoft implemented functions leads…

We’ll always have Madden, D’Qwell

Sorry to hear it's official, but D'Qwell Jackson got released as a cap casualty. You may be saying, "But the Browns have a shit ton of cap space!" That's true, but he's also got a bit of an injury history and is on the wrong side of 30. More importantly, he racks up tons of tackles…

Great interview questions, or the greatest interview questions?

Deadspin has done it again. I especially love "tell me all the things you could do with a brick in one minute." I mean, if all you have is the brick and the interviewer, that's kind of an obvious answer, right?

Bill Livingston: Man of strong (and wrong) opinions

Bill Livingston, coot, continues his ramblings about the Browns and his love affair with Johnny Manziel. What began as a "boo hoo, I used to like the Cowboys and the Browns beat us" piece eventually became "DRAFT JOHNNY MANZIEL!" I'd stop reading his stories, if not for the fact that they serve as a barometer…

T-SQL Anti-Patterns: User-Defined Functions

Yesterday's anti-pattern (nested views) was part one of the "Do Repeat Yourself [Sometimes]" mini-series.  Today, I'd like to get into part two of the series:  user-defined functions.  When Microsoft introduced user-defined functions in SQL Server 2000, it was an object-oriented developer's dream come true.  It showed that Microsoft wanted to make true encapsulation---and not just…

T-SQL Anti-Patterns: Nested Views

Our next T-SQL anti-pattern is a performance killer.  Similar to EAV, it happens when developers get a little too smart for their own good. Most good developers know about DRY:  Don't Repeat Yourself.  It's an admirable principal and one to which I subscribe in many languages.  The whole idea is, once you see yourself repeating…

Where art thou, Ray Farmer?

Ray Farmer is now the sole GM of the Cleveland Browns. This is cause for much rejoicing. Yet he has two incredibly easy decisions to make and he isn't making them. Re-signing Alex Mack (C) and T. J. Ward (SS). Mack is on a humanitarian trip to Brazil at the moment and won't return until…

The theory of gaming: Alhambra

Note: All times are assuming a two player game; please adjust accordingly for more players Publisher: Queen Games/Dirk Henn Type of game: Tile game Number of players: 2-6 Learning curve: Easy Estimated time to play (first time/subsequent times): 45 minutes/30 minutes Estimated setup time: 5 minutes This game is a pretty big contrast from Call of Cthulhu:…