Many, many news outlets have broadcasted stories comparing President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin with Chancellor of the Third Reich Adolf Hitler. It strikes me that it might be useful to help people figure out the difference! The primer is simple: start from the top and work your way down.

— Is the person living or dead? If dead, it is Hitler. If living, it is Putin.*

— Look at the person’s face. If they have a mustache, it is Hitler. If they do not, it is Putin.

— Look at the top of the head. If you see hair, it’s Hitler. If you see very little to no hair, it is Putin.

— If you are looking at a photograph, is the shirt on or off? If there is a shirt, it could be either. If there is no shirt, it is Putin.

— Is the person eating a delicious steak or other meat product? If they are, it is Putin. If they are not, it is Hitler.

— Is the person consuming an alcoholic beverage? If so, it is Putin. If not, it is Hitler.

— When they smile, do they appear genuinely happy? If so, it is Hitler. If not, but they do look like they are mocking you, it is Putin.

— Address the individual in German. If you get a response, it could be either Hitler or Putin. If you do not get a response, it is probably Hitler. Please make sure you verified if the person is living or dead.**

— Address the individual in Russian. If the response is virulent hatred, it is probably Hitler, depending on the content of your address. If you get any other response, including no response, it is Putin.***

— Ask the individual about the Soviet Union. If you get a nostalgic sigh, it is Putin. If the response is murderous rage, it is Hitler.

— Ask the person about Karl Marx. If the individual you were talking to is now a smoking crater, caused by spontaneous combustion from pure, unadulterated hatred, it is Hitler. In all other cases, it is Putin.

— In fact, if the response to anything is any emotion other than boredom or cynical mocking, it’s probably Hitler.

I hope you have found this primer helpful. If you have questions, please do not hesitate to ask!

*As of this blog post. This will become untrue in the future. Future responses, obviously, imagine a reanimated, sentient Hitler. Not a zombie Hitler, though.

**Putin lived in East Germany as part of the KGB.

***No response because you are not worth his time.


One thought on “Putin or Hitler? The definitive primer

  1. Pedantic jerk time: you had a second footnote but no reference in your main text. Fortunately, as an Astute Reader with Impressive Skills and Fantastic Hair (an ARISFH, which is harder to pronounce than you might think and we probably should think about changing the name), I was able to discern the appropriate location for that second footnote.

    Answer: between the first and the third.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s