Broncos or Seahawks? A cost-benefit analysis

As anybody who has sat next to me for longer than ten minutes knows, I am a Cleveland sports fan. Thus, I have no natural rooting interest for tomorrow’s game. So, I decided to analyze why I should root for or against either team based solely on quantifiable research and gut feelings. (Spoiler alert: mostly gut feelings.) I begin with Denver.


+: Peyton Manning may be the best quarterback in NFL history. Such athletes should be admired and celebrated, not vilified for “only” winning one Super Bowl. As a bonus, I intensely dislike Tom Brady for a variety of reasons, and the fact that Tom Brady is “better” because his team won more Super Bowls is ludicrous.

-: The Drive.

+: The Broncos play an exciting brand of football because they are all offense and no defense. Thus, a game in which they are likely would not be boring.

-: I will not be able to see the game anyhow.

+: Peyton Manning carried my fantasy football team to a third place victory and 10-3 record.

-: The Fumble.

+: I’d really like to see Champ Bailey get a Super Bowl ring.

-: I’m already sick and tired of the Omaha meme.

+: Peyton Manning would be the only QB in NFL history to win a Super Bowl for two different teams.

-: Their offensive coordinator was a cocktease for the Browns’ head coaching job.

+: John Elway seems like a nice guy.

-: He’s still John Fucking Elway.


+: My favorite non-Browns team of my youth because I liked their uniforms.

-: Pete Carroll strikes me as a douchebag.

+: Seattle plays stellar defense, which could provide an exciting matchup.

-: It won’t.

+: Seattle deserves to win a Super Bowl because the Steelers screwed them out of Super Bowl XL.

Fuck the Steelers. (Nothing to do with Seattle, but it needs to be said.)

-: I think Russell Wilson is wildly overrated.

+: Seattle is home to Nintendo and pro wrestler Daniel Bryan (sort of).

-: Seattle is home to Starbucks.

+: Seattle is likely to win because contests of great defense vs. great offense tend to favor the defense.

-: Rich Gannon, no matter the size of his genitalia, is not Peyton Manning.


So, we punch this data into the Penguatron 5000 [tm]. The result is:

I hate Tom Brady.

Well, looks like I’m rooting for Denver then. However, this is a slight inclination, in that I would be pleased with either team winning. So, in other words, the opposite of the 2003 World Series.



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