As anybody who has sat next to me for longer than ten minutes knows, I am a Cleveland sports fan. Thus, I have no natural rooting interest for tomorrow’s game. So, I decided to analyze why I should root for or against either team based solely on quantifiable research and gut feelings. (Spoiler alert: mostly gut feelings.) I begin with Denver.
+: Peyton Manning may be the best quarterback in NFL history. Such athletes should be admired and celebrated, not vilified for “only” winning one Super Bowl. As a bonus, I intensely dislike Tom Brady for a variety of reasons, and the fact that Tom Brady is “better” because his team won more Super Bowls is ludicrous.
-: The Drive.
+: The Broncos play an exciting brand of football because they are all offense and no defense. Thus, a game in which they are likely would not be boring.
-: I will not be able to see the game anyhow.
+: Peyton Manning carried my fantasy football team to a third place victory and 10-3 record.
-: The Fumble.
+: I’d really like to see Champ Bailey get a Super Bowl ring.
-: I’m already sick and tired of the Omaha meme.
+: Peyton Manning would be the only QB in NFL history to win a Super Bowl for two different teams.
-: Their offensive coordinator was a cocktease for the Browns’ head coaching job.
+: John Elway seems like a nice guy.
-: He’s still John Fucking Elway.
+: My favorite non-Browns team of my youth because I liked their uniforms.
-: Pete Carroll strikes me as a douchebag.
+: Seattle plays stellar defense, which could provide an exciting matchup.
-: It won’t.
+: Seattle deserves to win a Super Bowl because the Steelers screwed them out of Super Bowl XL.
Fuck the Steelers. (Nothing to do with Seattle, but it needs to be said.)
-: I think Russell Wilson is wildly overrated.
+: Seattle is home to Nintendo and pro wrestler Daniel Bryan (sort of).
-: Seattle is home to Starbucks.
+: Seattle is likely to win because contests of great defense vs. great offense tend to favor the defense.
-: Rich Gannon, no matter the size of his genitalia, is not Peyton Manning.
So, we punch this data into the Penguatron 5000 [tm]. The result is:
I hate Tom Brady.
Well, looks like I’m rooting for Denver then. However, this is a slight inclination, in that I would be pleased with either team winning. So, in other words, the opposite of the 2003 World Series.