About one stupid article away from punting on ESPN

There was a time when ESPN was my go-to source for sporting news. These were the halcyon days, when you had Rob Neyer and Buster Olney covering baseball, Bill Simmons talked mostly about basketball but covered other stuff too, I didn’t hate Gregg Easterbrook yet, John Clayton covered football… good times.

Then they decided to go hyper regional. Which gives us this dreck.

The title reads “The Browns can build around Joe Haden.” I think to myself, hmm… an article about building a football team around an elite cornerback first? That should be interesting.

But no. It’s more “Joe Haden = good football player!” and “resign TJ Ward” and “Joe Haden x 2 = 2 good football players!” I don’t disagree with resigning TJ Ward. I don’t disagree that Joe Haden is awesome. I disagree when you say “build around” when you really mean “Joe Haden = good football player!!” (It’s in the title here, so it gets TWO exclamation points. That means it’s doubly analytical and stuff!) Oh, and to add insult to injury, he decides to give him a slick new nickname — H! There is absolutely no way such a profound and brilliant suggestion could ever, EVER, go wrong. EVER. Oh, and maybe you were looking for proof that he’s a great player?

Here’s an actual quote.

Despite using premium resources on pass-rushers this past offseason, Cleveland’s defense still doesn’t rush the quarterback as well as they should. Despite registering 39 sacks over 15 games they have failed to generate consistent pressure. Still, the Browns’ pass-defense is well above average.

Okay, so they suck at pass rushing. (I would quibble with that, but whatever.) How does that make their pass-defense well above average? Because other teams have not, in fact, scored infinity points on the Browns this year? Maybe they just got tired. Maybe they felt bad. Maybe the concession stands offered them free beer during every break. Maybe, like in Blitz the League, the Browns front office hires hookers for the other team to give them the clap. [Still a high point in the history of gaming, I must say.] WE DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOUR ARTICLE IS GARBAGE.

At least they put Jamison Hensley on the Ravens only desk.


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