Fire Marshalling

When you’re a nobody (Latin Rite Novice Clerical Squire: character level, 5; class level, 1) within the most hierarchical organization in the universe, without even realizing what you’re doing you frantically start looking for some way to make yourself at least a little important, or at least to earn yourself a little bit of leverage. So I volunteered for the position of 3rd Floor West Fire Marshal here at Mt. St. My.’s. It is my responsibility to alert the floor in the event that a non-Dante-penned inferno finds its way onto the premises. “But Daniel, you’re an idiot and you wouldn’t even NOTICE a fire in your building until your ghost hears about it from a friend a few days later,” you ask. Well that’s not a question, so who’s the idiot now? Besides, this has nothing to do with fire safety. This is a racket. I will explain.

Persons on my floor can earn “Fire Insurance Points” by doing me favors or by being nice to me. One may lose points as well. I keep a list of the folks on my floor along side each one’s current insurance score on my door. So Monday you might be rated at 6, but if at evening prayer you were to mention the sloppy, unintentional rhyme scheme in the above sentence and mock my literary powers, then you might just find yourself sitting at 3 by Tuesday morning. Here’s a run-down of my “insurance policies.”

10- If there’s ever a fire, I’ll come bursting into your room screaming bloody murder. I will guard your life as my own.

9- I will promptly come into your room, find you, and urgently but clearly warn you of the situation.

8- I will open the door to your room and, if you’re anywhere nearby, I’ll throw things at you until I have your attention. Once I have it, I will say, “Hey, fire.”

7- Loud knock with a “Fire!”

6- Medium knock with a “Fire.”

5- Medium knock with something that rhymes with fire, so you could probably figure it out, but there’d still be that span of crucial time where you’re all like, “What?”

4- I’ll warn you of the fire by slipping a note under your door. The warning will be in riddle form.

3- I’ll pee on your door, and that will probably slow the flames down. The sound might make you open your door and check things out, but you’ll get peed on.

2- I’ll walk by your door and pretend to sneeze, but I’ll articulate “fire” in the middle of the sneeze. You know, like the kind of joke that frat boy types liked to do for a while a few years ago, where they’d give a sneeze-“slut” whenever they heard the name of an ex-girlfriend or whatever. I’m not really sure if it’s a joke and I’m not sure of what most people think is funny but you know what I’m talking about with the whole sneeze-but-say-a-word-too type thing.

1- Pretty much the same as 8, but I don’t guarantee that I won’t knock you unconscious.

0- I tie one end of a rope around your doorknob and the other end around a heating fixture.


The future

I had a dream last night. A horrible dream. A dream… with hover-sharks. Hover-sharks are exactly like regular sharks, apart from the ability to hover. They can’t fly, just hover menacingly. They could attack low-flying aircraft, eat people being rescued by LifeFlight, the possibilities for destruction are endless. That got me to thinking about what we were promised by movies and television and have been denied.

— Murderous computers taking over spaceships.

— Bionic human beings.

— Murderous bionic human beings taking over spaceships.

— Murderous spaceships taking over bionic human beings, which are then taken over by murderous computers.

— Holograms, possibly but not necessarily of the above scenarios.

— HOVERCARS!!!!!!!

— I’m going to say that one again, because it really irritates me: HOVERCARS!!!!!!

What do I blame? Genetic engineering. Very few science fiction books/movies that I can bother to think of anticipated genetic engineering. So instead of having hovercars, we will soon have hover-sharks. I was excited for the Future, and yet, it is disturbingly like the present. So, scientists of the world (and possibly of other worlds), I demand you cease this futile “trying to cure diseases”, “ending genetic defects”, and “human immortality” bit AND GIVE ME MY G*DDAMN HOVERCAR!!!!!*

*You’re welcome, Kevin.

I Broke Down

I wanted to save it until October, but I broke down and bought Madden today. Quick impressions from someone who has not yet started the game up:

– Those requirements are pretty steep. Fortunately, my laptop can still play the game, I imagine. Thank goodness for one-year-old quality…
– The manual is even smaller than last year’s, it seems. By Madden 2010, they’re going to give you a 3×5 card that simply reads “You Play Game Now!”
– The readme, meanwhile, is decently-sized. I’m going to scan through it and see if there’s anything interesting.
– It appears that not that much has changed since 2006, at least with respect to the little details.
– Maus and I agree: generic Velveeta isn’t nearly as bad as it would seem. I’ve been a student too long…

Sports Fantasy Post

Here’s my sports team.

Quarter Back: The guys from Nickleback. (The psychological effect is totally devastating on several levels.)

Runners: A go-cart, a giraffe, a condor, Marty McFly, Audrey Hepburn’s beautiful ghost, the type of Golden Retriever that’s always in sports movies and wins things.

Blockers: A Rumpke dumpster, a fully-loaded Port-a-John, the carcass of a beached whale, a Sumo wrestler, a gay porn star, a heap of slime, a hole, a land mine, a bank safe, some poisonous spikes, Medusa.

Kick-men: A soccer player, a bazooka.

Umpires: John Madden, Frank Sinatra, a beatnik.

I want to play too so let me know how I hold up.


Roger T., whose comment can be found under my Madden review, is the first person to post a comment on this blog. This post shall remain here to commemorate this fact for all eternity. Some day I hope to get that killer free ringtone spam. That’s when you know you’ve made the big time. I could also use some free ring tones.

My campaign to conquer

As some of you may know, I have been using online dating services to try to get women for a few months now. It’s truly amazing. Now, instead of one woman ignoring me at any given moment, many women can ignore me at a time. Anyway, I had some financial beefs with True, mostly due to them overcharging me and then charging refund fees. So I am scheming to find a way to get past the “no e-mail address” filters. I can’t use the following words: mail, e-mail, address, contact, dot com, IM, instant message, AIM, or yahoo. They have caught my more ingenious methods, possibly because somebody has been scanning profiles, including “rhymes with bat wahoo shot bomb.” Please, help a poor, lonely soul open up more avenues of being ignored without paying more money for the privilege. Leave it in the comments. Alternately, if you are a woman and are rated high enough on the SSRAW ™, you can just e-mail me at starspangledbadger at yahoo dot com.

Yeah… what the Jew said.

Here is my fantasy football team, the Moe Szylak Experience, second place in last year’s non-official fantasy football league. Well, my team last year was in second place. This team is different. For example, my kicker is different (last year it was Jason Elam). These are listed in the order I may or may not have drafted them. Enjoy!

QB: Jake Plummer, Mark Brunell, Matt Leinart

RB: LaMont Jordan (pick #10 in the draft), Kevan Barlow, Najeh Davenport.

WR: Marvin Harrison, Santana Moss, Nate Burleson, Keenan McCardell, Antwan Randel-El

TE: Jeremy Shockey, Kellen Winslow

D/ST: Chicago, Miami

K: Phil Dawson.

I like my whole team, except for my non-LaMont Jordan running backs. If he gets hurt I think I’ll cry. I even acquired two Browns, no Steelers, and no Ravens, which means my karma is in order. I did acquire a Bronco, but the hatred of the Broncos is pretty much focused solely on John Elway.