Here, as promised, are some of my concepts for fantastic TV shows.
Survior: The Moon (reality)
12 people are shot to the moon in a big rocket that might or might not actually work. Also, there are no space suits, so if they do get to the moon, they basically get screwed either way. Some of you might say “The Penguatroll, that’s just a transparent attempt to kill reality TV stars.” I would simply grin in a sinister fashion.
When animals attack… other animals!!! (reality)
Forget “Superman vs. Batman” or “Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell”. I’m talking the REAL battles we want to see. Like “Iguana v. Hedgehog” or the New Civil War, “Goldfish v. Goldfish”. Two members of the animal kingdom (stay tuned for the special episode “Fungi v. Fungi!”) duke it out for nothing but glory and our own amusement. Of course, some of the fights will be more evenly balanced to make them more exciting. Bear vs. salmon? Boring!! Bear vs. salmon in cybernetic suit, equipped with lasers and rockets? Also boring. But put them BOTH in suits?!? That’s entertainment!
Il Penguin della Morte!!! (culture/horror/nature)
This program follows the adventures of a pair of intrepid explorers named Professor Bramlet Abercrombie and his esteemed colleague, Dr. Janet Bigtits. They seek the fabled engine of destruction, Il Penguin della Morte (or The Penguin of Death for those who can’t speak Italian). Critics have labelled this show “an excuse to show a large breasted woman in a shower scene every single week”. The fools can’t appreciate the sad, misunderstood Il Penguin della Morte and the life he must lead. His unquenchable lust for murder and carnage is balanced by the fact he’s so adorable, you almost want him to obliterate all life on Earth! The show’s signature scene features a zoom in (we totally picked this up from Photoshop) of said penguin, but with a lens flare (so you know he’s evil), red eyes, and blood dripping from his beak. No matter how hard the professor and his bouyant comrade try to defeat them, he always seems to outwit them. Or DOES HE? Tune in to find out! Viewer discretion advised.
And finally, the new situational comedy every one will be talking about around the water cooler –
Nuclear Winter! (post-apocalyptic situational comedy/drama)
A family of four goes into the basement one day, only to come out the next day in a wasteland of death, destruction, and suffering! Of course, hilarity ensues as this fun-loving family tries to cope with the complete annihilation of life on Earth! Have a listen:
Billy: Dad, can I go out and play in the fallout?
Dad: Have you finished your homework?
Billy: Silly Dad, there’s no homework any more! All of the teachers are dying of radiation poisoning! [Laughter]
Dad: Now, Billy, leave your sister alone.
Billy: But Dad, how else are we going to propagate the species?
Mom: What am I, chopped liver? [Laughter]
This heart-warming comedy will have you and your family in stitches as you learn valuable lessons about life, love, and the meaning of happiness. It’s the kind of show you can feel good about watching with your children.
And for history lovers:
Counter-Factual History Theatre (history… sort of)
This is not your Grandpa’s history channel, no siree! We take the tough questions, the questions that are so inane and insulting that real historians won’t come on the show… unless we blackmail them with incriminating photos of themselves in compromising positions! Here’s a sample to whet your historical appetite!
All right, Mr. Ambrose, this one is from Trenton Q. Eddington, III from London, England: “I say, old bean, what would have happened if that rotter Napoleon had nuclear weapons at Waterloo? He couldn’t have topped our chap Wellington, right?”
Ambrose: Look, it was a mistake, we all make them, it was just the one time –
Producer: The photos, Stephen.
Ambrose: But it’s such a stupid –
Producer: Answer them! Or maybe you don’t love your wife. Maybe you want your kids to know you’ve had sex with –
Ambrose: IT’S THE SAME IMBECILIC QUESTIONS EVERY TIME! “What if X had nukes at Y? What if A had nukes at B?” THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS THE SAME, YOU INCOMPETENT MORONS! BOTH ARMIES ARE VAPORIZED!!! YOU CAN’T USE NUKES ON A BATTLEFIELD!!! EVEN A TACTICAL NUKE WILL OBLITERATE BOTH ARMIES!!!
Producer: That’s more like it, Mr. Ambrose. Keep the answers coming and no one will ever see the pictures.
Oh, Stephen. When will you ever learn!
And finally, for the film student:
Jerry Bruckheimer Presents! (talk)
World famous movie and television show producer Jerry Bruckheimer interviews a new and interesting guest every week in his own special way. There’s always a surprise twist at the end!
J.B.: After watching the briliant film “Interview with the Vampire”, I decided to interview my own vampire! But I couldn’t find any. So I went with Mr. McShambles here, a real live zombie! Say hello, Mr. McShambles!
J.B.: That’s fantastic. Now, Mr. McShambles, — may I call you Shambley? – the audience wants to know where zombies come from. Could you explain?
J.B.: I see. And what are your views on the recently disclosed “Wolfman” agenda?
<forty five minutes later>
J.B.: That’s all the time we have for today, Shambley. Thank you for sharing your well thought out opinions on the contemporary issues facing every day people. But I have a surprise for you!!!
J.B.: Oh, Shambley, you rascal. No! Watch this!!!
<chair explodes, then the explosion also explodes into an even bigger explosion, which subsequently explodes, yet Bruckheimer is strangely unharmed>
J.B.: Now that’s entertainment!
Those are all the shows I have. As you can see, something big is coming my way!