# 36 Chambers – The Legendary Journeys: Execution to the max!

## February 26, 2007

### The thought processes of the male and female Homo Sapiens

Filed under: deep philosophy, Rachael Ray, Redheads, Science! — Tony Demchak @ 8:37 pm

First off, sapiens is a participle in Latin. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A HOMO SAPIEN. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…

Assume, for a moment, that you have a decision to make. To simplify, it is a binary decision, i.e. A or not-A (or, if you like, A or B).  Here is the male decision tree:

Choice — Obligation? — Cost-benefit? — Decision.

As you can see here, the man has a choice to make. First, he determines whether he actually has a decision to make, i.e. is it obligatory? Second, he generally weighs several factors to determine whether he benefits or not. Now, there’s a case to be made for short term vs. long term benefit, but the process is the same either way.

Here, however, is the woman’s decision tree (highly theoretical):

Choice — PMS? — Chocolate? — ???? — Decision.

The only two things I have been able to successfully isolate as variables that apply for all variables are PMS and chocolate. PMS negatively affects decision making, chocolate positively so.  However, there is also a ???? area. Where the man would have cost-benefit analysis, the woman has some sort of mystical decision making process. Perhaps, like the Roman auspices, she examines the entrails of birds. The important thing is that this ???? is WHOLLY INCONSISTENT. Given the same set of factors in the same situation, the woman will make DIFFERENT DECISIONS. This makes predicting female behavior impossible. It isn’t that she chooses the opposite decision of the man in every situation; this would be easy to predict. No. It is the equivalent of making decisions with a random number generator, dividing that number in 2 until you reach a prime number, take the cube root, and then base your decision on the color of the first person’s shirt you see. Or something. You can’t even use the Chewbacca defense because they occasionally do make sense.

Ladies, this is why men don’t get you. Nothing is guaranteed to produce a consistent result. And this mystery decision making process applies to ALL women. If any of you can provide a consistent formula for how to predict your behavior, even if it only succeeds 60% of the time, mankind as a whole will be better off.

## January 31, 2007

### Tony The Good Sport

Filed under: Redheads — Kevin Feasel @ 4:40 pm

Here is a conversation with Tony as a result of a comment on this previous post of Dan’s (warning:  girls with red hair in post; may cause uncontrollable lust).

Kevin: We ended up with another commenter. This person says that Molly Ringwald is not, in fact, a true redhead, and that she admitted in interviews that she dyed her hair.
Tony: Does this break your heart?
Kevin: It does.
Tony: Well, welcome to my world.
Tony: My heart isn’t so much broken as pummelled into mush.
Kevin: I’m just going to have to console myself with the help of my girlfriend, who likes me and whom I like.
Tony: [not suitable for print; 66% swear word content]
Kevin: That wasn’t so much a zing as a ving, in that I totally broke off part of it and twisted it inside you.
Tony: I’m not above nuking all of Germany to get back at you.

## September 8, 2006

### Every smelly nerd’s favorite fantasy

Filed under: Redheads, Wacky Theories — Anticartesius @ 9:54 pm

Concluding my trilogy– and I mean it because I really don’t need to be thinking about redheads anymore– I shall, prompted by Kevin’s insight, cover the subject of Gillian Anderson, who is truly an odd case. First of all, her hair doesn’t look natural, but it is. And it looks almost too dark to be that of a genuine redhead, but it isn’t, it’s genuine redhead hair.* So Ms. Anderson is a redhead, right?

Well, here’s the thing about redhead aging. Somewhere between the age of 25 to 35, a redhead, through mechanisms unknown to us, usually ceases to be a redhead. Her hair remains exactly the same, but she “decays” into an ordinary human being (this is something totally different from the “fallen redhead” which I alluded to, and don’t feel like going into). Now, this ordinary human being may still be a very charming and attractive human being. I believe this is the case for Ms. Anderson.

Anyway, the strange thing about her is that nobody really knows. Legend has it that she’s the product of a genetic engineering experiment that spliced redhead with human female material, in a mad attempt to play God and make a redhead that wouldn’t decay, an “eternal redhead.” Or maybe that was the plotline of an “X-Files” episode, I don’t remember.

*Upon closer research, she dyes her hair.

## September 2, 2006

### [Lame Title]

Filed under: Jesus, Redheads — Anticartesius @ 8:37 pm

[Content removed due to lameness on the author's part, and emoing it up pretty hardcore. Post kept intact for the sake of the awesome comments from Mr. Skin and Mandolin.]