First off, sapiens is a participle in Latin. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A HOMO SAPIEN. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…
Assume, for a moment, that you have a decision to make. To simplify, it is a binary decision, i.e. A or not-A (or, if you like, A or B). Here is the male decision tree:
Choice — Obligation? — Cost-benefit? — Decision.
As you can see here, the man has a choice to make. First, he determines whether he actually has a decision to make, i.e. is it obligatory? Second, he generally weighs several factors to determine whether he benefits or not. Now, there’s a case to be made for short term vs. long term benefit, but the process is the same either way.
Here, however, is the woman’s decision tree (highly theoretical):
Choice — PMS? — Chocolate? — ???? — Decision.
The only two things I have been able to successfully isolate as variables that apply for all variables are PMS and chocolate. PMS negatively affects decision making, chocolate positively so. However, there is also a ???? area. Where the man would have cost-benefit analysis, the woman has some sort of mystical decision making process. Perhaps, like the Roman auspices, she examines the entrails of birds. The important thing is that this ???? is WHOLLY INCONSISTENT. Given the same set of factors in the same situation, the woman will make DIFFERENT DECISIONS. This makes predicting female behavior impossible. It isn’t that she chooses the opposite decision of the man in every situation; this would be easy to predict. No. It is the equivalent of making decisions with a random number generator, dividing that number in 2 until you reach a prime number, take the cube root, and then base your decision on the color of the first person’s shirt you see. Or something. You can’t even use the Chewbacca defense because they occasionally do make sense.
Ladies, this is why men don’t get you. Nothing is guaranteed to produce a consistent result. And this mystery decision making process applies to ALL women. If any of you can provide a consistent formula for how to predict your behavior, even if it only succeeds 60% of the time, mankind as a whole will be better off.
Scientific and Insightfull.
Good stuff XD
Comment by Tannas — February 26, 2007 @ 9:45 pm
Sounds like somebody had his angry pills today.
Your assessment is reasonably sound: the inner workings of the female are generally apocryphal, though I should say that there are female-types who exist who think rationally just like how there are non-crazy females. And when I find a second one, I’ll give you a call.
Comment by Kevin 'Joooooooooo!!!' Feasel — February 27, 2007 @ 3:20 am
Damn skippy there are “female-types who exist who think rationally”… and one of them is leaving you a comment right now.
Grated, while many of the ladies out there play games and are rarely consistent in their behavior, some of us are very logical. I even happen to know a female who hates chocolate when she’d dealing with PMS.
The thing I’ve noticed is that most guys don’t expect a female to have a thought process like they do, so they assume right off the bat that all females are the aforementioned crazy-types. That’s not always the case and is really quite annoying.
Ok, mini rant over. Nice post ;)
Comment by Mandolin — February 28, 2007 @ 1:13 am
I’ll give Tony a call, then, as we’ve found our second one. I happen to be dating the afore-mentioned first.
Remember, Tony: one is anecdote, two is happenstance, but three is a trend. One more and you have a newspaper-worthy trend, as I will officially have a list of three.
Comment by Kevin 'Joooooooooo!!!' Feasel — February 28, 2007 @ 2:01 am
I’ve actually got a third and a fourth for ya, but one’s a blonde and one’s a brunette.
Well I’ll be darned, I have a full set of logical women ;)
Comment by Mandolin — March 7, 2007 @ 1:09 am
You, my dear(s), are the exception that proves my rule ;)
Comment by The Penguatroll — March 7, 2007 @ 4:48 pm
Whoa, now, 3 in one metropolitan area? I suppose it’s theoretically possible, but I’m going to have to go back to my Rational Lady Poisson Distribution Generator and see the odds of that one…
I believe that this would make a full set: mine has black hair, and then you’ve upped the ante with red, blonde, and brown. All we need to do now is find one with naturally white hair and the scavenger hunt is complete.
Comment by Kevin 'Joooooooooo!!!' Feasel — March 7, 2007 @ 5:01 pm
I tell ya, that homeschooling is good for us ladies. Well, most of us…
And white hair? That is going to be a bit on the hard side, but I’ll keep an eye out ;)
Comment by Mandolin — March 7, 2007 @ 10:42 pm
Women are more anylitical in their thought processes, whereas for men only black or white exists – to them; it either is, or it isn’t. Women take into consideration all angles of a given situation before making a decision. Yes, at times their PMS can get in the way, but it has been proven that a man’s PMS never stops. Explaining why they are so aggressive.
Comment by Dawn — March 23, 2007 @ 5:44 pm
Hi, I’d just like to say that I think women are pretty neat. And men too, they’re good. Hooray for everyone! (”Aloof” emoticon)
Comment by Daniel — March 23, 2007 @ 10:14 pm
I’m defintitely a woman who thinks like a man, I like yes or no answers, and love to keep things simple.
It’s officially a trend.
Comment by Bettie — May 15, 2007 @ 7:20 pm
So we’re unpredictable… That’s a very good thing. For an enemy to know your next step may be very unwise. At the same time for a lover to know your next step may very well mean you’re boring. Don’t women ask for spontaneity in their relationships? Men should learn a thing or two about being unpredictable. ;-)
Comment by k — May 26, 2009 @ 12:45 am